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In lew of last week's Earthquake and Tsunami we thought we would reach out to all of our members to ask for thoughts and prayers for Japan and it's population who have lost family and friends in all of the devastation. There are nuclear worries with their 3rd reactor about to melt down which would mean even more devastation for Japan and all surrounding Countries (including the United States). Please keep all related events in your thoughts and prayers in hopes of a scaled down events.
Tags: Please Pray For Japan
This is around the time you start seeing red everywhere, chocolates on display, flowers being advertised. Businesses are slowly creeping this into your head. Oh yea, and don’t forget all the diamond commercials. All in the hopes to capture your heart and wallet for Valentine’s Day. But did you know, men spend more money on their mistresses than their own partner? Make sense right? After all, the mistress can blow your life up if you don’t take care of her.
Here are some Mistress Day tips (which happens to be the day before Vday, Feb 13)
- Make sure to spend time with your mistress the day before or the day after Vday. Make sure she understands that you want to shower her with gifts and attention.
- The gift you get her will speak volumes. You know your mistress, so don’t discount her wants and needs
- Finally, be sure to be discreet with the purchase. Don’t keep the receipt lying around and by all means, don’t use your wife’s joint credit or debit card.
Valentines Day and Mistress Day can be as expensive as Christmas for many men, so plan ahead and be sure to buy accordingly. Now if you don’t have a mistress, this is also the time of year when women who are looking for another man flock to dating sites. Now if they are married or looking for discretion, they go to Ashley Madison. For the young college girls in relationships, that need financial help, they tend to go the Arrangement Seekers route.
Tags: Mistress Day
What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "The Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity -- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying.
Here, some of his findings:
48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
“Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility.”
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body. "
In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)
Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.
Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity.
Tags: What Makes Men Cheat
Why do I find it so easy not to cheat?
Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.
Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.
I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.
I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.
Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.
So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:
1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.
2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.
3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.
4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.
5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.
6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.
7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.
8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.
9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.
I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?
by Rich Santos, Marie Claire,
Tags: 9 Reasons People Cheat
You're at the bar with a group of friends. You're talking. You're laughing. You're dancing. And more than anything, you're drinking. A lot.
As you consume more and more alcohol, the bar gradually becomes more entertaining, your friends become funnier and that stranger you just started chatting with is a lot more attractive. So attractive, you think, why not bring him home for a night of casual sex?
At the time, it just makes sense. He's nice. You get along perfectly. He might even be your soul mate. So what if you don't know his name?
Since the women's movement in the 1970s, women have become exposed to a variety of social freedoms that weren't acceptable in the past — including sexual liberation. Durex Condoms' 2002 Global Sex Survey revealed that about half of the 50,000 people interviewed around the world admit to having a one-night stand. And although men proved to dominate the one-night stand category, women were right up there at 42 per cent.
Chloe (not her real name) says in order to be a strong woman you have to be in control of your sexuality. Although the 22-year-old feels most comfortable having sex in a relationship, she isn't in one now and often resorts to one-night stands to get the job done.
"I think casual sex is okay, but it depends on why you're doing it," Chloe says. "If it's really what you want to do — if you just want to go out and have fun and you're doing it for yourself — that's okay. But if you're doing it because you're feeling lonely or to fill a void or to get attention, it's not all right."
But when it comes to her own sex life, Chloe is torn. Although she often has one-night stands, she often finds herself regretting it the next day.
Photo by Vanessa Chris
Many young women have regrets the morning after a one-night stand.
"At the time I want it, but when I look back the next day I realize that I may not have wanted it enough. And then I feel cheap and slutty for giving it up too easily," she said.
Chloe finds it difficult to determine whether she really is having sex for herself, or if she's doing it because she's filling a void she isn't aware of — an insecurity she's managed to block out of her head.
Chloe's conflicting sexual views are quite common and something Danielle Crittenden sought to explain in her 1999 book, What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes The Modern Woman. It received plenty of attention from the media, as Crittenden challenged the basic premise of second-wave feminism, saying that in trying to solve women's problems, it actually created more.
She said having casual sex isn't liberating for women at all. Because women value the emotional aspects of sex more than men — aspects that can only be attained through secure relationships — they don't benefit from one-night stands in the same way.
But Dr. Guy Grenier, a sexual psychologist who runs his own practice in London, says the way someone reacts to having a one-night stand depends specifically on the person.
"Finding what you're comfortable with sexually is different for everyone. It's not 'one mould fits all'," he says. "When you're learning how to swim, you don't jump into the deep end right away. You start in the shallow end and ease your way in. It's important for people to take the time to learn about their own sexuality ... You have to ease your way into sex."
When people feel guilty about taking part in a one-night stand it's not about the sex, Grenier says.
"They regret the intimacy. They shared something too personal too soon," he says. "It's like telling a stranger something personal about yourself and regretting it."
Society's view of sexual behaviour may also play a part in how people see sex, Grenier says. Although there has been a tremendous evolution of what is seen as sexually appropriate and inappropriate in our society, there are still lots of conflicting messages because of a very vocal anti-sex minority.
"Sex is like food. Sometimes it's fast food and some of it's gourmet, but one kind isn't better than the other," says Grenier. "A one-night stand isn't a bad choice. It might not be an optimal choice for a specific person, but there's nothing wrong about it."
In response to Crittenden's argument, Grenier says it is possible for women to have one-night stands and get as much out of it as a guy.
"For every woman who feels crappy the night after a one-night stand, one woman feels good," he says.
When Alison (not her real name) was in her second year of university, she was definitely one of the latter.
"I had been in a relationship for two years and I was finally out of it. For the first time since I came to university I could do whatever I wanted, so I took advantage of the opportunity," she says.
She felt comfortable enough with her sexuality to experience sex with a variety of partners, and she didn't regret a thing.
"You can't regret things you've done or you're not going to live too well. If you regret something, change it," she says.
Since second year, Alison has stopped having casual sex, preferring the security and comfort of an intimate relationship. But she says her decision wasn't made because she couldn't handle her spontaneous lifestyle, adding that she definitely learned a lot about herself by having casual sex.
"I often felt I was most sexually free when I was having casual sex," she says. "I tried a lot of new things, some of which I wouldn't want to try with a boyfriend."
Although it's important to practice safe sex when sleeping with someone you don't really know, there is nothing wrong with the act itself, according to Grenier. The key to sexual freedom is knowing your sexual threshold, he says, and that lesson should be taken one step at a time.
By Vanessa Chris
University of Western Ontario
Tags: Sleeping With Strangers
This is a great article for everyone. As a divorce attorney, I pride myself on having saved some marriages during my 25 years in practice. I would very much like to see people work things out, if they can. I have come to realize that if couples try one or more of the following 9 suggestions, they may be able to keep their relationship from hitting the rocks in the first place.
1. Delineate "yours," "mine," and "ours." If you have finances that should be placed in each of these three categories (for example, you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about your time away from "together" activities, like he wants to bowl with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations. Doing so will make the relationship stronger.
2. Carve out time to be together. Sure, you're busy working and attending meetings, but how important are those things if your relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking in a movie. Take regular vacations together -- at least a couple of long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations (more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.
3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly, eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking at you, but you'll feel better about yourself.
4. Make sure communication goes both ways. Many relationships fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated, angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.
5. Criticize gently. Don't judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and considerate.
6. Never stop courting one another. Gifts, compliments, and a loving embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a "just because" way. Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your partner all over again.
7. Keep the flame burning. Keep your romance alive despite the chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your partner's pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite meal when you know she's had an impossible day, or entice him into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had burns forever.
8. Spell out your terms of endearment. Call out the expectations for one another in the form of the "terms" of your relationship together. Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments (needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down a relationship.
9. Renegotiate your contract. Your relationship will evolve, and your needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year, it's a good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each other -- whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to allow such a "contract" to ruin your relationship.
Read more articles from Hitched at hitchedmag.com.
Tags: Relationships
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